I found myself in Target spending money that I don’t have on things that I don’t need. You know how you do. I have, honestly, been trying to avoid being a rampant consumer. This is due in part to my quickly disappearing financial aid and my desire to leave a smaller carbon footprint. However, when I saw this staring at me from the shelf, all reason swiftly fled:

That’s right, it’s Season 1 of “Matlock. ” I have often wondered why I can find 11 seasons of “Murder She Wrote” on DVD, but no “Matlock.” Surely, they must have had the same core audience: the elderly, insomniacs, the sickly, or some combination thereof. And though I acknowledge the likelihood that “Matlock” fans (sickly, old, and tired that we be) must be dropping like flies, the few of us that remain need our fix.

Jessica Fletcher is a poor substitute at best. Ben Matlock should be surrounded by dead bodies; he’s a criminal defense lawyer. Jessica is a writer/English teacher from Cabot Cove. Fishy. But, none of this matters now, as I have 24 episodes of “Matlock” at my ready disposal. Given the rate at which an episode makes me comatose, these episodes should last for six years, at least.